The Reason
by carlycarter
Summary: Emily & JJ have vanished without a trace...
1. Prologue EmilyJJ

_Prologue__  
__Emily_  


"We have to." She says plainly trying to meet your gaze.

"I know." You answer, nodding slowly, fixing your gaze far into the distance. And you do know.

"They are family."

"I know."

Her reasons differ from yours. She misses them, she needs them. You? Just need her. You realise she is right, you have to go back. It's not because they are family and you need them or owe it to them. It's not for the sake of your career. It's not even for her, not because she wants it from you. But it's simply because

you know

they will

never stop

until they find you.

You know how it will become an obsession to your team. Two of their own disappearing into thin air. How important you will become to them. Not as a person, but as a victim, as an unsolved case. How their frustration and anger will grow day by day. The thought of your team giving you so much attention and thought disarms you. If you go back, what's the worst that can happen? You might lose your job, the respect of your team, your place in their world. Life will go on. You still have her.

She looks to you expectantly, you shrug your shoulders in response, not sure what she is asking of you. You're here, aren't you? That's all you've got to give for the moment. These last weeks have pushed your mind to the limit, thinking, planning, hiding. It's over now. You give up. You relinquish control to her. Let her play out the ending the way she needs to.

She cradles the pay phone in her hands hesitantly. You try to remember the last time you had used a pay phone? Had you ever? You hear your mothers voice in the back of your mind telling you not to touch the filthy object.

"Who?" she asks.

"Hotch." You answer. It has to be.

You're grateful as she starts dialling. You didn't want to be the one. But at the same time, you knew it was your responsibility. You wouldn't blame her if she shoved the receiver into you hands, demanding '_Go on, call them_.' She should challenge you, '_Tell them what you've done Emily. Face the music._' But she didn't. You loved her for that. She picked up that filthy pay phone, picked up the responsibility, and poised her fingers to dial.

It is that which makes you swallow your irritation and reply to her when she questions you " What do I say?"

It grates on your nerves the way she hesitates, turns to you her hands slightly shaking, eyes full of doubt. '_Just do it for heavens sake JJ'_ You want to tell her. But you hold your tongue.

You shrug in response to her question and she stands still for a few moments. Finally you utter "Ask him to meet us."

"Where?" She wants to know. And you feel the irritation rising again.

You survey your surroundings, the bustling people, the noise of the commuters at the busy train station, it was somehow comforting.

"Here?" You suggest.

She nods. It's not like either of you have a cent to get someplace else. It would have to be here.

"Tell him to come alone." You add.

"Sir?" You hear her childlike hesitant voice, laden with guilt, as she speaks into the phone. Hotch would pick up on that guilt. It would make him wonder. You should have been the one to call. But it's too late now.

You deliberately step back, not wanting to hear the words he speaks on the other end of the line.

"Yes I'm fine." You hear her say into the phone. "Yes she is fine too…It's a long story."

You listen half heartedly as she tells him the details of the meeting place. Platform 7. Half an hour. You can't stand still, fidgeting like a restless child. You catch a glimpse of your appearance in the reflection of the glass phone booth. You reach instinctively to smooth your hair. She stops you. Yes, you realise, better to look as dishevelled as possible. Maybe he will go easier on you. You look to her, she looks as bad as you feel. Pale, listless, utterly exhausted, pushed to the limit. You want to take her in your arms, sleep, hide away from the rest of the world, drive away all the ghastly things haunting you both tonight.

What you've done is unforgivable, you know. And you want to run. Gutless you are Emily Prentiss. You would have run too, coward. If not for her. You saw how hard these last days had been on her. You hadn't the heart to challenge her further, which is why you complied obediently with her request. _'Emily, We have to go home_.' And for the first time in your life you didn't stop to think '_Home? Where is that?_' For the first time in your life, you knew.

JJ

She'd been beside you only moment ago, and then, suddenly, she stopped. Dead in her tracks. Causing you to almost stumble as you turned to face her behind you. You felt anger rising frustrated. She had promised. Now she was stalling. You glance to your watch anxiously. Only minutes to go before Hotch would be at the platform you had arranged to meet him. Your heart is racing. Sure it wasn't going to be pleasant, but you want to get it over with. The thought of her leaving you to face the interrogation alone made your blood boil. She wouldn't? Would she?

You look into her eyes, seeing a brief flash of fear mingled with something else you can't recognise. It vanished as suddenly as it had appeared. And in its place was a familiar hard expression. Not quite blank, but meaningless. This strong mask she hid behind. Away from the real world these last weeks you had almost forgotten what that mask looked like.

At first you'd been suspicious of this unshakeable strength she displayed, this amazing woman who could stare the darkest horror in the face and never flinch. It was unnerving. It was downright disturbing.

As time went on you came to admire it. You wished yourself could be so strong, so collected, in control. You felt somehow weak compared to her.

And now, you despised that mask, and everything it stood for. It was false. It hurt you that she felt she had to keep up this act. You wanted to scream at her that she didn't have to put up those walls with you.

You never quite figured out how she did it, how she compartmentalised everything so completely. The only thing you now knew was that it came at a great cost. To her, and to you.

But today, right in this moment, you were grateful for her remarkable, yet alarming, composure. You didn't think you could take seeing the look in her eyes, your reaction would have betrayed everything. You would probably cry as it was, the others would expect it. You'd have no control over it. But if you saw her break, that would be the end. You wouldn't be able to maintain even the slightest bit of control, and somehow the whole story would come tumbling out. Somehow those profilers would look deep into your mind with those insidious eyes, and see every last deep secret. It frightened you being discovered like that, not as much as it frightened her, but it frightened you too. You knew you stood no chance on your own against them, but you had her on your side. You stood more than a chance of getting away with this.

You want to take her hand. But it's out of the question. You cursed those ridiculous protocols and rules that forced you to keep your relationship hidden. It's not that they didn't know, you figured most of the team had some sort of idea. It's just that you couldn't afford to flaunt it. Especially not now you were in such a huge mess already. Any hope of salvaging you career or Emily's would be thrown away. It didn't seem to matter much to you anymore. But you believed somehow that her career mattered more to her than anything.

You knew the awkward position you'd put the team in. Knew how frightened they must have been. Knew how disappointed they would be. Knew they'd need answers. You didn't want to lie to them. But you'd promised Emily that there were things you would never tell. You'd given in to her on that point, afraid what she would do if it wasn't on her terms. She didn't want to come back at all. And you admitted that sometimes it really seemed easier to follow her suggestion to just disappear. Never have to go back and face the things that happened.

You knew your job was pretty safe. Emily had friends in high places. Well not really friends. Connections. You knew that somehow this could get swept under the rug, no questions asked, without any real professional ramifications. But the team wouldn't let it go like that. You couldn't expect them to. That was the part that scared you.

"What do you think they are thinking? Where do they think we've been?" She asks.

You shrug. Honestly you have no idea. Guilt rips through you at the thought of what you put the others through. You disappeared without a trace. How that would have frustrated them. Enraged them. Frightened them.

It frightened you more than a little, that it was so easy to disappear. That they hadn't found you. How was it possible to hide from the top profilers in the world? Perhaps only possible because you were hiding with one of them.

You feel Emily's body tense next to you, and look up.

"So much for _'come alone._'" She mumbles. It takes you a minute to understand what she means, as you look up and see Hotch alone walking towards you. But as you scan the scene you see the others, Morgan, Reid, Garcia. All in disguise. All armed you notice. It almost makes you laugh at the absurdity, it's like a scene from a very bad crime movie. And you realise once again, this is going to be impossible to explain.


	2. Chapter 1 Hotch

_Chapter 1_

_Hotch. _

**One week earlier**

You stood in that familiar position. Adrenalin coursing through your veins. You held your hand steady, gaze unwavering, as always. _Just another case_, you told yourself. Just another guilty man on the run. You couldn't afford to think of it as personal. But your heart beat faster than normal, and you couldn't quite catch your breath.

Like countless times before in your career, you stood with your weapon aimed at the unsub. Prepared to take his life if it came down to it. You had followed the leads, followed your instincts, climbed inside his mind. You hunted him, you found him, you caught him. And now you stood only metres away, Morgan beside you. There was no way out. You'd won. But you couldn't quite breathe easy.

You looked into his mind in that moment, because it was something you couldn't help, deep into his eyes your own angry eyes searched. You watched him, his behaviour, his facial expression. You ran the case through your head quickly. He stood refusing to answer you when you demanded.

"Where are they?"

There was nothing for him to gain from silence. It was over. You waited. He didn't speak. Those moments of silence gave you the chance to gain some perspective. This didn't add up. Something wasn't right.

You realised with horror before Morgan carelessly uttered the words "Son of a bitch, He doesn't know where they are."

He doesn't know where they are. He's been messing with you all along.

You see the anger flash across the unsub's face in an instant. And it mirrors your own anger at yourself for not seeing this sooner, and your anger at Morgan for being so careless with his words. Like you, Morgan is too personally involved. Neither of you should be on this case. But then again, according to police, there is no 'case'.

Morgan's accusation infuriates him. He had claimed responsibility for the abduction. Wanted you to believe it was him. Revelled in the attention. And with a few careless words Morgan had shattered that.

"No, you're the one who doesn't know where they are." The unsub tells you anxiously as he shifts from one foot to the other, his hands shaking. He is angry, and he has something to prove. "And now you never will." He reaches his hands into his jacket pocket.

"Keep your hands where I can see them." Morgan calls to him. You're grateful Morgan spoke because your own words seem to be stuck in your throat. You can see how this is all going to end. But it's all happening so fast there is nothing you can do.

"Morgan, No. Don't shoot." You warn him. So maybe the unsub lied, maybe he doesn't know where they are. But he is still the only link to the case, the only lead you have, he must know something, perhaps without even realising that he knows. If he is dead then your trail is stone cold. But it's too late to stop it.

The unsub pulls his weapon, aims it right at you. And in a split second you hear the deafening shot. You see him fall to the ground, lifeless. You rush over to him feeling for a pulse. It's too late. He is gone. You look closer at the weapon he held aimed straight at you only moments ago. It's not even a real gun. It's a toy.

You haven't even opened your mouth to berate Morgan and he begins defending himself. "He didn't know anything Hotch. He was messing with us all along. He had a weapon aimed at you. What was I supposed to do?"

You look to the lifeless man on the pavement. This didn't have to happen. How could you have prevented it? Are you too personally involved that you can't see clearly anymore? Are you responsible for this? And how on earth are you going to explain this. A man with a toy gun killed by FBI while working on a case that didn't exist.

"It's a toy Gun for God's sake." You say coldly. You throw it to the ground angrily. "I gave you an order. Hold your fire. If I can't trust you…….." You let your voice trail off., Because you know deep down you can't fault Morgan for his actions. You would have done the same. It isn't fair to take it out on him. What if it had been a real gun, and Morgan hadn't shot? You would have been dead. You know it's not Morgan you're angry with. It's yourself. For not being on top of this case. You soften your tone "He must have known something, been connected somehow He's the only link we have." You desperately try to piece it all together.

"We still have his address, might find something at the house." Morgan reminds you hopefully.

You open your mouth but the words get stuck in your throat. _'Call JJ'_ you had been going to say instinctively, followed by '_Get Gideon and Prentiss to meet us at the house.'_ You shook your head sadly. What had happened to your team?

"Call Reid to meet us at the house, and ask Garcia to run the name and address through the system." You, Morgan, Garcia, Reid. That was all that was left of your team now.


	3. Chapter 2 Hotch

_Chapter 2_

_Hotch_

Two weeks holiday, for the whole team. It was orders from above, the BAU was to shut down entirely for two weeks. You knew the team needed it. Deserved it. But something sat uneasily with you, leaving the BAU non functional for two weeks. You told yourself the world would continue turning. That no matter how hard you worked there would always be unsolved crimes out there, you couldn't win them all. You had no choice but to let it go for two weeks, trying not to imagine the people who might be hurt, kidnapped, killed in your absence. People you might have saved. You never dreamed it would be two of your own team.

You had convinced Hayley to spend the two weeks away with you. There was no hope of reconciliation, Hayley told you harshly. But she agreed to take the holiday with you and Jack, for Jack's sake. Morgan had gone home to visit his family. Reid was visiting his mother. Garcia planned a cruise with her new love interest. And as for JJ and Prentiss, well you hadn't really wanted to know.

You could turn a blind eye to their relationship, and were happy to do so. But the less you knew the better. They were discreet about it, and there was really nothing you could do or say to stop it. So you let it slide. It did trouble you though. Because you saw day by day the glances, touches, saw the relationship growing more intimate and intense. Saw how dependant they were becoming on one another. And you knew that if things ever fell apart, one of them would have to leave the BAU. So you hadn't asked about their plans for the two weeks, knowing somehow that they would be together. You were happy for them, honestly maybe even jealous. That they had found something so rare, someone to share their life with who understood the commitment of the job. Someone who didn't force you to choose.

You weren't that worried after one week when Garcia returned from her cruise, tried to contact Emily, been unable to reach her. Garcia had gone to her house, Emily wasn't there. So what? She went away? She had the money, probably took a last minute trip somewhere. Anywhere. It honestly didn't concern you in the slightest.

'I have a bad feeling.' Garcia had told you.

You've never been one to dismiss the instincts of your team. But you had no room in your mind to entertain the thought that something was amiss. You were, for the first time in a long time, with your family. Your whole attention devoted to your son.

"I'll look into it." You'd told Garcia. But what did she honestly expect you to do? You'd called JJ. Certain they were together. Certain also that Garcia had already tried this. Neither of you could get hold of JJ. You left messages for Emily and JJ both. No response.

Still, you weren't worried. If anything it made you feel better that you couldn't reach JJ either. It meant they were together. Probably travelling. It wasn't as if they were obliged to tell you their every move 24 hours a day. It left you feeling slightly uneasy, but you let it go. You had to.

You felt Haley's eyes burning into you as you left the final message for JJ asking her to contact you. You had to get off the phone, devote your attention away from the team and towards your family. You had promised. Hayley was losing patience. You wondered if she would snap, just take Jack and go home. So you let it slide. Didn't think twice about JJ or Emily. Not until Garcia phoned you back, telling you they had found Emily's car, smashed up and abandoned.

And that was it. The sum total of everything you knew. JJ and Emily had disappeared without a trace, almost two whole weeks ago. You had contacted JJ's fiancé, Will. Only to have him hang up on you, telling you icily that he and JJ were no longer engaged and he did not know or care where she was. You couldn't say you were surprised. What surprised you was that JJ had agreed to marry him in the first place. You had contacted the ambassador, who finally returned your email telling you that she had no daughter and not to bother her again.

There were no leads, no clues, absolutely nothing. This dead man was all you had. And you realised now he had been very likely playing games with you. And with him, you lost every lead you'd had.

Morgan had shot that man one week ago. And in that week since you'd found nothing. Absolutely nothing. It infuriated you like nothing ever had.

And then, the phone rang.


	4. Chapter 3 Emily

_Emily _

_Chapter 3_

Hotch alone approaches you, as the others blend into the crowd of commuters at the busy station. His face displays that same expression it always does. It gives nothing away. He is playing his cards close to his chest.

You notice straight away that Hotch can't meet JJ's eye. Why? There is something she isn't telling you. You feel her stiffen beside you. You've missed something between them.

"Are you alright?" He asks. Concerned.

"Yes." You answer him.

"Are you alone?" He asks.

You think it's a stupid question, there are hundreds of commuters surrounding you. But you realise he is thinking that you and JJ must have been kidnapped these past weeks, and he is looking around to see if the perpetrators are watching.

"Are _you _alone?" JJ asks in a bitter tone that doesn't suit her. Her gaze scans the crowd for the other team members. You turn to her, confused. Why is she so bitter towards Hotch? She looks straight at him, and he refuses to return her gaze. He keeps his eyes on you, ignoring JJ's comment, waiting for you to answer.

"Yes." You tell him "We're alone."

"Come." He orders you, and you follow him to the car. The ride to the BAU is silent. The others must have followed behind you in another car. No sooner do you arrive inside, and Garcia pulls you and JJ both into a tight embrace, exclaiming "My girls. I'm so glad to see you."

It makes you feel good for a moment. To feel part of something. Like you belong somewhere. It almost makes you forget everything that happened.

You finally pull away and see that both Garcia and JJ are crying. You want to hold JJ, tell her it's ok, kiss away her tears. Instead you look away, you can't stand seeing her like that. You can't allow yourself to fall apart. So you let Garcia fuss over her, she's clearly decided that JJ needs her more than you do. It makes you slightly jealous. But then you are just glad to be free.

Until you look up and realise that JJ may have distracted Garcia, but that left you alone to face Hotch, Morgan and Reid. They leave her alone, clearly deciding she is too fragile. But you, Emily Prentiss, must be made of stone, because no one feels they have to take it easy on you.

Very quickly the mood of concern for you and joy at your return has been replaced with anger and frustration. They start to realise you are holding something back. And they aren't about to let you get away with it. The questions begin. Where have you been? What's going on?

Morgan stares you down "Do you have any idea what we've been through? Do you have any idea what you've done?"

How you hate standing there, having to answer to them. You want to tell them to stick their team, that you owed them nothing least of all an explanation. But you tread carefully. For JJ's sake. For the sake of your careers, and because you try hard to remind yourself that they are your family, that they care, that you made them worry, that they have a right to ask questions of you. But standing here, outnumbered, you grow defensive. You've never been afraid to speak up for yourself. But your confidence crumbled under their disappointed eyes.

That's the last thing you remember, then everything went black.


	5. Chapter 4 JJ

_Chapter 4 _

_JJ_

For the 2nd time in as many weeks, you found yourself waiting in a hospital corridor to hear news about Emily. The team had taken advantage of the fact that Emily was unconscious, and hounded you for answers.

_Where have you been? What happened? Tell us the truth JJ, it's ok. _

It took restraint not to answer them. It was only the fact that you'd promised Emily. And even so, you were at breaking point when the nurse came to tell you that Emily was awake and asking for you.

You think of the promises you made to her in the past two weeks, that you would give her anything if she was ok. That you wouldn't be scared. That you'd tell Will the truth, tell everyone the truth. You'd give her anything. And you meant it.

She opened her eyes as you squeezed her hand tightly.

"What happened?" She asks.

Before you can answer, the Doctor speaks for you. "Nothing to worry about, You just fainted Agent Prentiss. You will have to take things easy from now on, in your condition."

"Condition?" She asks.

"Yes." He answers "Your pregnancy."

You want to laugh, certain it is a joke, a mistake. But you look over into Emily's eyes. See that its not. She is surprised certainly, but more than that, she looks guilty.

You let go of her hand instantly, standing to your feet, turning your back to her, walking away. Telling yourself you've made the biggest mistake of your life, these past two weeks were a mistake. You made the wrong choice.

All this time she had you believing she loved you, that she couldn't live without you, that you hurt her so badly with your engagement to Will. How could that have been true? How much could she love you pregnant to someone else?

She doesn't say a word as you leave. Makes no move to stop you.

The others pounce on you instantly as you leave Emily's room.

_Is Emily ok? What's going on? Are you ok JJ? Where have you been these past weeks?_

You push past them, ignoring their questions, and walk out into the night, and out of Emily's life for good.


	6. Chapter 5 EmilyJJ

Three weeks earlier….

*Emily*

You're not sure when it started raining. Only that one moment the thick heavy clouds covered the sky as darkness fell, obscuring the stars from view. It made you feel invisible. The next, you're soaking wet, rain falling hard all around you. Yet you didn't feel cold. It made you feel untouchable.

You couldn't help but think about JJ, about the way you had told her to go back to her fiancé. The way you had coldly sent her away, and even more alarming the way she had obeyed you, instantly, without a question, without a doubt, turning back to her uncomplicated life with Will. You remind yourself that you're relieved, it's best for her, you can't have her caught up in this mess. It was never going to work out, she deserves better than you, this is what you wanted. And you try to be happy for her, happy that she is going to make a life for herself. A good life. An uncomplicated life. A safe life. You try, but it is simply beyond you to feel any joy about it. You can't imagine your life without her.

*JJ*

'_You don't really want this JJ_.' Is what she told you. '_Go back to your fiancé_.' And you had walked away from her. Done what she told you to, gone running back to Will.

It was strange, now you had time to reflect upon it, the way she had sent you running back to him. She had never once asked you to stay with her, never asked you to leave him, never asked you for anything. She wanted it to come from your heart. So you had stopped waiting for her to beg you to stay. You knew she would never do it. But she had never, ever told you to leave either. And you wish you had looked questioningly into her eyes in that moment. Instead, hurt by her words, and exhausted by this whole situation, you took the easy way out. You walked away, went crawling back to Will.

But Emily was wrong. Dead wrong. Sure things were messy, with your jobs, with Will, with everything. But you wanted this. Wanted her. And you'd gone back hours later to tell her that. Hours later when, faced with the very real possibility of life without Emily by your side, you found it unimaginable.

Emily was pulling out of the drive when you arrived, and you followed her in your car. You almost lost sight of her, on that long windy road. Initially you wondered if she was leading you intentionally, aimlessly, along this deserted road? If she was somehow playing games with you? It angered you. Only later did you realise she hadn't even realised you were following her. That in itself was strange, because she was usually so vigilant, and you weren't making much of a secret of your presence.

You almost drove past her car, parked on the road side in darkness, seemingly in the middle of nowhere. It hadn't occurred to you that anyone would park in such a spot. Silently you took out your flash light, and followed footprints in the mud.

*Emily*

You stop walking for a moment, and think. Stop yourself, for the last time, and ask yourself, _do you really want to do this?_

The answer is no. But there isn't a choice. You're not sure what is going to happen tonight. And you feel strangely free. JJ has gone back to Will, the BAU team is all away on holidays. There isn't a single person who would miss you or wonder what you're doing. Every choice you make is yours alone. Every consequence yours alone. No one to question you, to stop you, to blame you. It's just you.

You found the place on foot. Even in the dark. You had never forgotten this place. Neither had he. You knew, in every part of you, that he would be here tonight. Once again that pang of alarm races through you- just what is wrong with you that you can climb inside minds of people like him? That you can make sense of even one thing inside that vile mind makes you shudder. His words ring in your ears.

_You are just like me Emily, and you know it. _

Ten words, and in that sentence he had managed to cause you more terror than you'd ever known in your life. How had he known you so well, to know the very words to instil the deepest fear inside of you? It was those words that haunted you, every day, those words that drove you to work so hard against evil in the world, time and time again to prove to yourself that you were one of the good guys. It seemed important, to keep drawing that line between right and wrong, to keep finding yourself on the side of the righteous. As if it somehow made up for the things you'd done long ago. But you could never forget, not truly.

_You can never run away from who you are, Emily_

His words keep swirling round and round in your head.

You remind yourself that you're not afraid of him. You're untouchable, what is there to be afraid of? And yet you can't stop shaking as you wait. And you realise that you aren't nearly as fearless as you'd like to believe. But it isn't him you're afraid of. It's you, who you've become. Because you cant get his words out of your head '_You're just like me Emily._' You try to deny it, to tell yourself he is trying to mess with your head. But deep down, you fear it is true. You're just like him. And you can't run away from that. You find yourself longing for him to arrive. Anything that would mean you weren't alone with your thoughts. Anything to bring this one step closer to finished.

As you walk, closer and closer to the place you know he will be waiting, you count your footsteps, in the way you always did when you came here. Eighty six, eighty seven, eighty eight. You're confused for a moment as you feel the muddy ground beneath your feet, because your steps don't seem to add up. It takes a moment to remember that you were just a child last time you'd been here. Had it really been so many years ago? Counting adult footsteps throws it all out or proportion. But you can't stop counting, anything to erase the hollow silence. So you continue, even though the numbers are meaningless now, eighty nine, ninety, ninety one. You realise the numbers have always been meaningless. You didn't need them. You close your eyes, and let your instincts take you further, deeper into the forest.

You know he is there. Before you see him, you sense him. You can feel his eyes looking at you, staring into you, cutting right through you in a way no one else ever seemed able to.

Time stands still.

"You came." He mutters. You can tell he is smiling even though you can't quite see it.

You make no answer, your presence speaks for itself. _Yes, you came_. You always came.

"It's been a long time." He adds. He has never been comfortable with silence the way you are. _Long time since what?_ You want to know, but remind yourself that it's better not to speak. Because he wants you to speak, and you refuse to give him what he wants.

You know that you are bound to him, you can feel the ropes constricting you, the metal chains of grief and guilt that bind you together. You know that you will never be free. And you tell yourself again, you're just like him, no better than him. And this, tonight, this is your destiny.

*JJ*

It seemed to be getting darker, almost too dark to see as your torch light flickered, the battery almost empty. You looked up to the starless sky. Your confidence was fading fast, along with the flash light. And every instinct you had was to turn and run, back to the safety of your car.

But you look up ahead of you, and somehow in the dark, you do see her. Even though she is standing perfectly still and silent, camouflaged in darkness. Her eyes are glowing and her hair shining in the dim moonlight. And even if you hadn't seen her with your eyes, you could feel her standing before you. You knew it, in the way you always knew she was close to you, you felt it.

It was her eyes that frightened you, they were so bright, shining, illuminating the darkness all around you, and yet they were so empty. Her hands hung limply at her side. It took you a moment as you inched closer to her with your dim flash light flickering, to realise her hands were dripping with blood.

For a moment you stopped dead in your tracks. Involuntarily you closed your eyes, almost afraid to open them again.

When you do, you see it again, Emily standing before you, blood on her hands.

And him, lying lifeless at her feet.


	7. Chapter 6 Hotch & Emily

Present Day 

**Hotch**

You watch as JJ storms out of Emily's room and walks quickly down the hospital corridor, without making eye contact with any of you. Garcia reaches out towards her, and JJ pushes her away. JJ is angry, you realise. And this only compounds your confusion. After these two weeks Emily and JJ have been together God knows where, after they way they stood united against you, refusing to answer one single question you asked them, Why was JJ leaving so abruptly, leaving Emily in the hospital?

You realise that part of JJ's anger is directed straight towards you. She had called you, two weeks ago. And you fobbed her off.

"_I need to talk to you." She said._

"_Can it wait ?" You asked her, not using her name, because Hayely was watching you, just waiting for you to put one foot out of line and she'd pack her bags and take Jack home. She had only agreed to this time together after you promised her the BAU had completely shut down for two weeks. There would be no emergency phone calls to drag you away in the middle of the night on secret assignments. You had promised her, two weeks and nothing even the slightest bit BAU related would cross your path. Two weeks and she and Jack would come first. It was the first time you'd seen Jack in weeks, months. And it made your heart ache when you saw how much he had grown and changed in that time. _

"_It's about Emily." JJ said_

"_This conversation can wait for two weeks. Come and see me when I get back. " You told her, not certain you ever wanted to have that conversation with her.. Sure, you'd all seen the way those two looked at one another. You were fairly certain they were involved in some kind of relationship behind closed doors, but you didn't need to know about it. The less you knew, the better. "I' d appreciate it if you didn't call while I'm on vacation with my family." You only said it because Hayley's eyes were burning a hole right through you. You believe JJ knew you well enough to know that, to know that she, that Emily, that the whole team were your family also. That time and time again you chose the BAU, your team, your vocation over your son. And this two weeks, this was just for Jack. Really, you promised yourself you'd talk with JJ about Emily when you got back. It could wait._

"_Ok." She said "Sorry to bother you." And hung up. _

_JJ called again later that night, but your phone had been switched to silent. And that was the last you'd heard from her. She left no message. The next morning you tried to call her back, when Hayley wasn't looking. JJ didn't answer, and you pushed it to the back of your mind. You had to. _

When you picked JJ and Prentiss up from the train station last night, you saw it in JJ's eyes, she was angry at you for that. And you wonder what she wanted to say those times she had called? If she or Emily were in some kind of trouble? If you could have prevented this somehow? But the way she stormed out of Emily's hospital room, you realise she is angry with Emily too, and this you can use to your advantage. Divided you'd surely be able to crack one of them, You needed answers. Because taking off like that without a word, letting the team think they were both dead or worse, that was entirely unacceptable. The whole focus of your team is to find the answers, solve puzzles, and you were determined not to let this one go unsolved. So you and Reid followed after JJ, motioning for Morgan and Garcia to stay here with Emily at the hospital. The Dr had told you Emily would be fine, that she had only fainted. And Garcia would surely take care of her. There wasn't anything you or Morgan could do by sitting around in the hospital corridor helplessly. You needed to take advantage of the fact that the two of them were now split. And you were certain you'd be able to get the answers you need from JJ.

**Emily **

You're getting ready to leave the hospital, standing with your back to the door. You'd been starring at that window, wondering just how far it is down to the ground. It was taking forever for the Dr to finish his paperwork, you already decided you weren't going to wait that long. Now it was just a matter of finding a way out without having to face the rest of the team. They had entered silently, but you somehow sensed that you weren't alone. You turned slowly to find Morgan and Garcia in the doorway. You're certain you told the nurse very specifically that you didn't wish to see any visitors. Damn that FBI badge, it could get a person in to almost anywhere. You could only hope the nurse had respected your wishes that any information about your condition was strictly confidential and by no means to be shared with anyone. It had come as a shock to you, and to JJ. It all seemed so unreal, in just seconds your life, dreams, plans for the future, it all fell apart right in front of your eyes. It was too ghastly to make sense of, and so you locked it away for the present, and focused on your more immediate problem- Morgan and Garcia.

"You better start talking, Prentiss, I want answers. Now." Morgan demands of you. You've never seen him like this. No, that isn't true, you've seen him angry, frustrated, heard him talk to people with that same tone he now used. It's just that he's never spoken to you like that before. And even though you told yourself you were prepared for this, that you deserved this, it causes your breath to catch in your throat and you don't know what to say to him.

"She's sick, leave her alone." Garcia interjects as she comes towards you putting a protective arm around you.

"I'm not sick." You can't help but protest as you shrug yourself free from her grasp. You despise the appearance of any vulnerability. "I just fainted." You assure them both, and you could almost kick yourself after you've said it. You should have gone along with Garcia, pretended you were too exhausted and sick to answer any questions.

"She's fine, see." Morgan says to Garcia, as the two of them engaged in a good cop/bad cop dispute, taking over the top of you as if you weren't even in the room. They don't really need you to be here, and you observe them, silently, dissociating yourself from the entire situation, chasing yourself deeper and through compartments in your mind, locking the doors behind you so that neither of them can follow. And all the while wishing you could slip away through the floor to be any place but here.

"Stop it Morgan, Not now. This isn't the time, or the place." Garcia tells him again. But she is wasting her breath, you could have told her that.

"Not now? Those two just put us through two weeks of total hell, and then show up here without so much as a word of explanation, but not now, oh no. For crying out loud Garcia - A man is dead because of her."

"What?" You hear the question from your lips, as suddenly Morgan's last line has grabbed your attention, pulling you back into the bleak reality. Your head spins around to look Morgan in the eyes, searching for answers.

"Morgan, not now." Garcia repeated, but she is no longer pleading with him, that was an order.

_Someone dead? Because of you?_ You flash back to the body lifeless at your feet, blood dripping from your hands. JJ's trembling frame standing before you. _Someone dead. Because of you. _ How could Morgan know about that? Had JJ told him everything? No, if she had then he wouldn't be here asking for answers from you. What is he talking about?

"Yeah, we searched high and low, day and night with no sleep, because we thought you and JJ were in trouble. I guess you were just what? On holidays? Lost track of the time? Never gave a second thought to what we might be going through? We had one suspect, who clamed responsibility for your kidnapping." Morgan explains all this to you angrily, shifting from one foot to the other unable to remain still.

You shake your head in confusion. _Kidnapping? Suspect?_ What is he talking about?

Morgan laughs bitterly. "I see you're confused Prentiss. Because, as you know, he had nothing to do with any kidnapping, nothing to do with you, with JJ, did he?"

You don't answer. You still don't know who or what he is ranting about.

"And do you want to know what happened to that man?" Morgan asks you.

Truthfully, you don't want to know, and so again you refrain from answering, but it doesn't matter, Morgan tells you anyway.

"Actually, he was just 17, I shouldn't say man, I should say 'boy'. What happened to that boy, Prentiss, is I shot him. He's dead."

The thought of any shooting, of your team in danger, made you sick to the stomach. But to think that this event happened because of you, makes your blood run cold.

"Funny thing is, he was nothing to do with you was he? Nothing to do with anything,. He was just a crazy mixed up kid. And now he is dead." Morgan continues, his anger escalating.

He is trying to use this kids death to guilt you into talking, giving him answers. And it's almost working. You can physically feel the weight of guilt pressing down upon you making it harder and harder to breathe. You hadn't missed the fact that he had said to Garica '_A man is dead because of her'_. He hadn't said 'them' he said 'her', meaning specifically you.

"I don't know what you're talking about" You finally utter, and its true, you don't know anything about this kid, about the shooting. The only thing you know is that it's somehow your fault. And there isn't anything you can do to make up for that. You picture him in your mind, the dead kid. One more body to add to the count. One more thing you can never make up for, never run away from, one more stain on your soul that can never be washed clean.

You feel the world spinning around you and it's harder and harder to breathe. You grab for a chair to steady yourself. Garcia reaches her hand towards you and you take it this time, clutching it tightly.

"Morgan, not now. Can't you see what you're doing?" Garcia is genuinely upset and you realise that they aren't putting on a good cop bad cop act. Morgan's anger is too raw, too real. His accusations slice right through you, and his disapproving gaze is enough to stop your heart from beating if you looked into his eyes. And the way Garcia takes your hand, the way she looks at you as if she wants to hug you, even though she is surely as confused and hurt as the rest of the team by your actions, it's too pure to be an act.

"Oh forgive me Garcia, what am I doing?" Morgan asks her, and once again you may as well not even be in the room. Am I the one who disappeared for weeks, driving the rest of the team crazy and sick with worry? How many people needed our help in that time? People we let down, people who died because we weren't there to help them. Because all we could do was think about the two members of our own team that were in trouble? The two members of our team that left us so blinded with grief and consumed with questions that innocent people got caught in the crossfire, innocent kids got killed, and for what?" Morgan turns to you as he asks the question. "For what? You take off to God knows where, drag JJ down with you, and then you think you can come back just like that, no explanation, no apology, no nothing. You just show up and expect everything to be fine, all swept under the rug? It doesn't work that way around here. That's not how this team operates. We are a family. We need to be able to trust each other, to respect each other. Our lives depend on that. "

"You're right." You concede. "The team cant function that that." You ignore his questions, his accusations about the kid. "I quit. Problem solved." You announce.

"You think you can just quit? Just like that walk away and it will undo all the damage that you've done? Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that, walk away and erase all our mistakes." He is still yelling, still so angry.

"Morgan please. Not now." Garcia is still pleading with him, but this time it's not to spare _your_ feelings. This time, it's out of compassion for _him_. Because she has seen the way your eyes have frozen over, and she has a fair idea what's coming next.

"Stay out of this Garcia, She is a big girl, she has to face the consequences of what she's done. I'm not the one who did this."

It's not that you want to hurt him, far from it. But he keeps asking you questions you cant answer, you simply cant take it, you want out, out of this room, out of this team, away from this place. And the only way you know of to get him out of the room is this….

"You re not the one who did this?" You repeat it slowly "I have to face responsibility?" You ask him. "Well, Morgan ...." You pause, because you can hardly believe the words that are about to come out of your mouth. After everything you've done in your life, to the team, to Morgan, it almost kills you to stand there and point the finger at him, but you have to get him to leave. Now "I am not the one who pulled the trigger."

You can see his face fall, as if you slapped him. Garcia looks away. You hit a nerve, but so did he with his comment about dragging JJ with you. You force yourself to stare him in the eyes, so you can see just how much you've wounded him. You make eye contact with him, but only for a moment. And instantly all that anger and frustration in his eyes has vanished, and in its place you see that all too familiar guilt. And then, just as you wanted, he leaves. Without a parting remark to you or Garcia. He is gone. Just like that. And it leaves you feeling empty inside. And you wonder, for the very first time, if it would be so bad to have told him the truth. Would it have made you feel any worse than you do right now in that moment?

Garcia stands speechless for the longest time before she finally tells you calmly, "You shouldn't have said that." And you start to wonder what it would take, what horrible thing would you have to say to her, to get her to walk out on you too?

"Go" You tell her "Go after him." You can see she is torn, that she wants to go after him, console him with comforting words about how this shooting wasn't his fault. You know how horrible it is to torment yourself guilt over someone's death, just one flicker of a moment in time, that you'd give up your own life to take back. And the thought of Morgan out there alone torturing himself makes you shudder. And you're torn too, because you want to be alone, want her to leave, want her to be there for Morgan, He'd appreciate it more than you do. Appreciate her more. You're a lost cause, what can Garcia do for you now? But Morgan, she can help. Morgan, she can save. And yet, somewhere in a deep part of you, you want her to stay. She seems in that moment to be the only person still left. And the fear that she too is going to leave you makes your chest hurt physically.

"No." She says "I'm not going." But her voice is shaky, and she wants to be with him, you can sense it.

"It's fine, I can see you want to go after him, just go."

"I'm not leaving, Ok? Let's get that straight. I'm trying really hard to be understanding, to be a friend to you, I am. And Morgan shouldn't have come in here talking to you like that, Emily. But do you have any idea what that was like for us? We were worried sick. I know there must have been a reason. But it is asking a hell of a lot. To come back here, explaining nothing, expect us not to care.

"I never asked you to care." You tell her. And suddenly it frustrates you that the team is holding this over you. It's not your fault they care so much, that they were so worried. It's their own stupid fault if they want to go caring about you. Too bad for them. Maybe they finally learned their lesson now, that you just aren't worth the trouble.

"Too bad, Emily, because we do care. All of us. Even Morgan. That's why he is so angry, because he cares. And I've got news for you, You're stuck with us. This team is a family. You can not just walk away when things get tough. And all this shit about resigning from the BAU, that isn't the answer and you know it. Running away isn't the answer. You're better than that Emily, Stronger than that."

_Oh no I'm not_, you want to tell her. _I'm bad and weak and I've been running all my life_, but you suddenly can't breathe. You realise again that he is right- you can't run from who you are, no matter how fast or how far, you cant escape. And Morgan is right about JJ, you dragged her into this, none of it was her fault. She deserves better. The team deserves so much better.

"I'm not who you think I am." You tell her "And you can't stop me for resigning. It's the best thing. For everyone."

"Of course, you resign, and we will all suddenly forget all about you, we won't care anymore, is that it? It doesn't work that way. It's more than a job Emily, this team, we are a family. You belong here. And you can't run away from your family. You can't run away from the place you belong. It doesn't work like that!"

She is yelling now, but she isn't angry, more like frustrated, maybe scared. Because she can see she isn't getting through to you. She is looking at you like you're so far gone. And maybe you are.

You want to give her what she wants, just for tonight. To tell her you're sorry, to give her the answers she seeks. It really isn't a lot to ask. But you know you can never, ever tell anyone. But right in that moment, you want to confide in her, want her to hug you and tell you everything will be ok. But there is no way to win here. You can not be the person she wants you to be. You simply can not go back to the BAU, not now, after everything, JJ, this pregnancy, Morgan blaming you for this kids death. You can't expect them to let this go with no answers, you can't give any. You can't stand to look at JJ day in day out and see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes. It's all too messy, too much. You know you have to get out of that team.

But for this one night, it's not about the team asking questions of you, expecting you to be something you're not, blaming you for things that happened while you were gone. It's not Morgan before you yelling angry accusations, or sadly walking away as your own accusation wounded him deeply. It's not JJ standing before you, heart breaking in two right before your eyes, looking to you like you shattered her world. It's not about this life that you can hardly believe is growing inside you, the innocent baby depending on you, and its not him standing before you, telling you you'll never escape from him, its not his eyes haunting you or his screams piercing your eardrums.

It's just Garcia. And she isn't asking anything of you. All she wants is to be your friend. And she offers it freely. And so, for some crazy reason you turn to her.

Garcia?" You ask her.

"Yeah." she answers.

"I know its hard to understand, And I am truly sorry, for everything." You tell her, as you try to stop the tears forming in your eyes.

"Its ok." She assures you quickly. "I'm sorry too, that I yelled. None of this really matters right now. Tonight, it just matters you and JJ are ok."

She pulls you into a tight embrace and you don't push her away this time. "It will all be ok, you'll see, you have to trust us Emily. Ok?" She tells you.

Forgetting for a moment that you can't trust her, that you wont trust her or anyone, forgetting what JJ will tell of this to the team now that she isn't on your side anymore, you cant control that anymore, pushing all that aside you finally free yourself from her embrace "Ok." You tell her, trying to smile.

You catch yourself wishing in was JJ who had you in her arms, JJ telling you it will all be ok. But JJ is gone for good. You better get used to it. And come morning, Garcia will be gone too. You'll put your resignation in writing, and never look back to any of this. Garcia may never forgive you, but she'll forget with time. But for tonight, you need a friend, tonight you need not to be alone. And she needs somehow to give this to you. So you let her. Just one last night before you kiss it all goodbye, this family, this life.

It was cruel, coming back here. You should have sent JJ alone. It was heart breaking leaving the team behind the first time. You never should have let JJ convince you to return here. You did it because you were afraid of losing her. And now, you've lost her anyway. She will never forgive you this, you saw the look in her eyes. You suppose deep down you knew, for weeks you'd known you were pregnant, or at least wondered. You just didn't want to face it. And all of this you want to tell to Garcia, to unburden your soul. But you can't. Instead you tell her you're tired. And that you'll talk to her in the morning. You wonder if she knows you're lying through your teeth.

"Come on, I'll take you home." She offers.

"Garcia?"You ask

"Yeah." She answers again.

"Can I ask you a favour?"

"Of course. Anything." _Anything_, she says. And she means it with all her heart. You could ask her anything and if it was in her power she'd give it freely. In that moment you think of her as a fairy god mother, and you want to ask her if she can turn back time, just one night. Just one night. But which one? That dark night all those years ago? That night you conceived this child? The night JJ had found you n the forest with a dead body at your feet? The night you left your life behind? The night JJ convinced you to come back? The night JJ walked out and left you for dust? The night Morgan killed someone because of you? There were just too many nights to choose from. Too many mistakes for even a fairy god mother to fix in your screwed up life. And so you decide to ask for something simple. Something realistic. Just one night, one last night, Just tonight. Before you leave like you know you have to.

"I don't want to go home you tell her." And you mean this with all your heart, even though you're saying it partly hoping she will invite you to her place.

She doesn't ask you why you don't want to go home, you can see she wants to know, but she doesn't want another argument. She wants it too, this one uncomplicated night.

"Come and stay at my place." She tells you, and you smile.

She fixes the spare room for you even though you tell her you're more than happy to sleep on the couch. She makes hot chocolate with marshmallows, and tucks you into bed as if you were a little girl.

"Really, I'm fine." You keep telling her, but somehow you enjoy being taken care of as much as she seems to enjoy doing it. You need it. And as you look back over your life, you can't remember a time that anyone took care of you as well as Garcia does that night. And you wonder if that is because you never really let anyone? Or just that you don't deserve it?

"I know you're fine." She says, "And I'm so glad. If something happened to you, or JJ…"

At the mention of JJ you flinch involuntarily.

"Emily?" Garcia asks you gently. "Why did JJ leave like that?" Garcia can't help but ask even though she knows you hate questions, even though she knows you probably won't answer her.

You sigh. "She left because…"And you wonder where you would even begin. "Because, I really screwed up. Badly." You tell her.

She is waiting for more, and you want to give it to her, she has been so kind inviting you into her home, she deserves some kind of answers, but you just can't. "Please, can we talk in the morning?" You plead.

"Alright." She gives into you, although she is clearly disappointed "Emily, you did the right thing, coming back. And everything is going to work out, I promise. You just have to trust us. We're a family and we'll get through this together, all of this. We will. The only thing that matters is that you and JJ are safe. And the rest, it will work itself out. I know it will. Keeping secrets isn't the answer. And neither is running away. Do you hear me?"

"Yes." You nod. You hear her. It's just that you don't believe it. You believe she is sincere, that she believes things will all work out in the end. It's just that she doesn't understand, doesn't truly know the first thing about this mess you've created. And you know better than to believe her promises that everything will be ok. But it's what you wanted, someone to tell you that. And you close your eyes and for one night pretend that you do believe.


	8. Chapter 7 JJ

JJ

Hotch and Reid had questioned you for hours before finally letting you sleep. You told them nothing. All you wanted was for them to leave you alone so you could start to make some sense of all this in your head. The last two weeks had been crazy enough, but they were now pushed to the back of your mind. Emily was pregnant? How could you have been so foolish?

Reid invited himself to stay over on your couch.

"That really won't be necessary." You told him, as politely as you could manage.

"It's orders, from Hotch." He finally admitted, uncomfortably.

"What?" You asked "Who does he think he is?"

"It's for your own protection."

"I don't need protection from anything." You assured him. Though you wish someone had locked you up and kept you away from Emily. You wish someone had warned you just how bad it would feel to have your heart completely broken like this. You wish you hadn't ever given her that power over you. But there is nothing Reid, or anyone, can do about that now.

"Well, maybe if you gave us some answers, we could drop it." He was gentle with his words, not harsh like Hotch had been before slamming the door and walking out after you wouldn't give in to his demands to talk.

"_I expect better of you. I'm disappointed. I don't know who you are anymore JJ."_

Were his final parting words. You sympathised with Hotch. You scarcely recognised yourself these days.

"What, I'm under house arrest or something? I haven't committed any crime."

"Hotch just wants to get to the bottom of this, to know that you guys are ok." Reid told you.

"We're fine, I already told you."

"And?" He prompted

You see the look in Reid's eyes. You've hurt him terribly disappearing like that, broken his trust. But you have no answer for him.

You understood that they wanted to keep you away from Emily. That they were trying to keep you apart to crack you, or her, or both of you. They didn't have to try so hard, Emily was the last person you wanted to see right in that moment. You were certain it wasn't entirely legal of them to do this, but you were in enough trouble already, making a fuss and drawing even more attention to yourself was not wise. Did you want to keep your job? Yes. So you limited your protests, reminding yourself that you are the one in the wrong, and if you just stayed quiet it would all blow over. You suffered silently through three days and nights of house arrest, of Reid and Hotch questioning you relentlessly.

After three days, they must have become bored babysitting you. Reid packed his things. Hotch stood silently for a moment, staring at you. You've reached an impasse, you're not going to speak and he isn't going to fire you. For the moment, it seems that you've won. Hotch silently hands you a letter, detailing the fact that you were suspended for two weeks without pay, after which time you were summoned to a meeting.

"And Emily?" You couldn't help yourself, you had to ask.

"Agent Prentiss has resigned." Hotch tells you, watching closely for your reaction.

"Are you happy now?" You ask him bitterly. You know your anger is misplaced, that it's not him you are angry with, But Emily. You know you should be glad she is leaving. Good riddance. You know you should turn to Hotch and apologise and plead that big bad Emily dragged you into all of this and it wasn't your fault. You could tell him everything, and what would be the harm? She is gone anyway. It would restore his faith in you, he could put all the blame onto her and go back to looking at you like you're a human being, But you don't tell him that, you can't. Because you promised her.

Deep down, you do still resent Hotch though. Because if he just made five minutes to talk to you, to tell you what to do, then maybe you could have acted better, maybe you could have stopped all of this from happening. You know it's childish to blame him, but it's easier than blaming Emily or taking responsibility yourself. Because the truth is she didn't drag you into anything. You begged her, pleaded with her, to let you in on it. And she begged you to stay out of it, to go home. But you'd won.

It doesn't really surprise you that she resigned. She never wanted to come back here in the first place. It shouldn't affect you at all, she cheated on you, is pregnant to someone else, and is probably running off somewhere with the father of her kid. You tell yourself that you don't care that she is just running away as if you never meant anything to her. And you wish that you could walk away so easily. But you can't. You need to see her one last time, even though you hate yourself for it.

You'd arrived just in time, to find her packing her things. If you'd waited any longer you would have missed her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" You ask her simply. After everything you've shared the past weeks, the thing that stings the most is that she was keeping this from you all that time.

"I didn't know. JJ I swear." And somehow, you believe her.

"How far along?" you want to know

"8 weeks." She answers you.

"While we were together?" You ask incredulously. All the while she was guilt tripping you for your relationship with Will and she was sleeping with some other man?

"Uh excuse me, while we were together, and you, JJ, were engaged to another man." She shouts back at you.

"I made no secret of that Emily. Ever. And in the end, I left him, for you. You kept this from me, you hide so much from me. I gave up my life for you, my job, my family. And you can't even be honest with me." You tell her passionately.

"For two weeks JJ!" She throws back at you. "You gave up your two whole weeks for me, then you suckered me into coming back here with you, I told you I didn't want to. I never should have listened to you."

"Ok." You concede. Just like the last three days banging your head against a brick wall with Hotch, this conversation is going nowhere. " I guess that's how it is then. I Guess never meant anything to you, Emily."

She doesn't answer and you can't quite drop it.

"All this time, you were seeing someone behind my back." You accuse her again, not sure what you're hoping for. What could she possibly say to make it any better?

"JJ, NO!" She insists.

"You're pregnant Emily, Don't tell me you weren't seeing someone behind my back."

"It was just one night." She admits finally.

It's not the one night, you could forgive her for that. After all she had a point about Will. It was the way she stood there, as if she didn't care, she didn't apologise or beg your forgiveness. She didn't explain, just the way the two of you explained nothing to the team. It was the way she was packing her things, ready to leave this all behind, leave you behind without a second glance. It was that which demonstrated to you that you meant nothing to her. You never should have let yourself get dragged into this crazy relationship with her. What had you been thinking?

"Thank god." You tell her coldly " That it was only two weeks, and not the rest of my life." You can see in her eyes that your parting remark cut her deeply her. But so what? She hurt you too. She chose this. All of this. Chose the baby's father, chose to leave the BAU, to leave you behind. Why should you feel bad that you hurt her with a few careless words?

As you head for the door you want to turn around, to tell her you hadn't meant it. To tell her at least not to throw her career away. Because imagining the team without her in it was unbearable, no matter how much she had hurt you. But this was her choice. All of it. And so you force yourself to keep walking and vow never to look back


	9. Chapter 8 JJ Emily

_**Chapter 8**_

_**JJ**_

You push down the pang of guilt that stirs inside you as you discard that one particular case file to the very bottom of the pile and effectively deem it not worthy of consideration from the team. You try to justify it in your mind. There were plenty of other people that needed your help. You couldn't possibly save everyone. Still, you can't get the image of those victims out of your mind. Guilt is slowly spreading right through you as you realise you've let your own personal need get in the way of justice for those victims.

As it turned out, your guilt was short lived. Your plan hadn't worked. Hotch was watching you closely. Not because he still didn't trust you, as you first suspected. It was more out of anger, still frustrated that you wouldn't open up to him. And to regain his sense of control over the team. The trust had been irrevocably shattered between the two of you since you started keeping secrets from him.

"How about this case, Agent Jareau?"

That's what he always called you now. Agent Jareau. Not JJ. He reached for the very bottom of the pile of discarded files and his hand grasps straight for the one you'd wanted to keep hidden. You only nod in agreement, knowing that any excuses were only going to incriminate you further. Silently you follow him into the briefing room

You relay the basics of the case to your team. You hurriedly skim over the photos of bodies, hoping the others haven't caught the catch in your voice. The others in the room who happen to be profilers. But they didn't seemed to be looking at you. You weren't exactly anybody's favourite person these days, but they weren't out to get you. It was almost as if they just didn't care enough anymore to notice something bothering you. Almost as if you didn't exist to them. And you tell yourself you should be grateful.

You debate victimology around the table. That table that seemed incomplete without Emily. All the more so because someone, probably Hotch, insisted on leaving an empty chair there. His way of haunting you, letting you know that he is still upset, weeks later, that you have never opened up to him and told him about what had happened with Emily. You'd removed that chair yourself, once or twice. Only to return the next day and find someone had replaced it. So you gave up. Besides, it seemed fitting somehow, an empty chair. A representation of the hollow void in your life. You sit in silent contemplation, hoping the others will assume you are contemplating the deep mysteries of the unsolved case.

As the team puts voice to the words in the file, you realise just how many bodies you were looking at. It strikes you as a hell of a lot. You wonder, fleetingly, if Emily was a secret serial killer.

Reid that assuages your fears of that, "Something doesn't fit...with this one.." He deduces, pointing to that photo, that man Emily had killed. "What makes you think they are related?"He asks.

Questions like this get the ball rolling, its how the game works. You know it. And you know Reid isn't asking you personally why you think they are related. You aren't the one who wrote the police report. And you know for a fact that particular body is unrelated to the rest, unless, as you've already dismissed the notion, Emily is a secret serial killer.

Too quickly, too defensively, you answer him "Location, the proximity to the other bodies, the timeline." No one so much as blinks, you'd been defensive lately, over eager, wanting to gain the teams trust, get back in the good books. No one seemed to think your tone or your words out of place.

"No." Reid disagrees. "This one is different. This one wasn't placed in an orderly fashion. He was just left in that spot. Probably right where he died. The other victims had been moved after death."

That was strange, you recount, strange that you and Emily had fled , just left him there. There were so many courses of action, bury him, set fire to him, hide him, call the police tell a story self defence, call it in pretend you just found him. But to just leave him right where he lay, that was sloppy and stupid.

You don't pretend to know what was going on in Emily's mind at the time. As for your own mind- it was only one thing. The look on Emily's face. It wasn't the dead body, the blood dripping from her hands, not the darkness, not the woods, that frightened you. It was the emptiness in her eyes. You didn't recognise her as Emily. You're ashamed to admit it now, but at the time that man didn't matter to you in the slightest. Covering your tracks did not matter either.

"And he is a different age and socio economic background from the other victims. Plus he's been struck on the head with a blunt object, in addition to being shot. It just doesn't fit the profile at all." Reid finishes, now convinced that this one dead man was not part of the killing spree you were investigating.

"I didn't write the police report." You tell him angrily as you throw the files down in front of him.

Now, they are finally looking at you like you've lost it. Finally looking inside of you wondering where those words came from. You know you should say something clever. Or say you aren't feeling well and need to go home. Before you do any more damage. Instead you sit down, quietly. There is nothing you can do now. It's too late to go on pretending. How long before one of them looks at the dates, how long before they put it all together?

_**Emily**_

_**Three weeks earlier.**_

_The look on JJ's face cut right through your soul. Disbelief and confusion and fear. It was enough to snap you out of your trance. You took her by the arms "You have to get out of here." You told her._

"_What?!" She demanded. "Emily, What the fuck?"_

"_You have to leave. Now." You ordered her, as you attempted to push her back along the path to the road. There was no time to ask yourself why she was here._

"_No." She told you. _

_You turned your back on her then. Counting to ten and hoping she would be gone when you turned back around._

_Instead, JJ screamed. _

_You flung around, instinctively reaching for your gun. In the dim light it took a moment to see what was happening. He had moved from his spot unconscious on the ground. So he was not dead after all. Crawled all the way along to the place on the path JJ was standing. Lying on his stomach, his bloodied hand wrapped around her ankle. _

_Without blinking, you fired two shots in his direction. He released his grip on JJ, and she stood, motionless._

_This time you knelt down beside him. This time you touched him, although it made you sick. This time you made certain he was dead. _

_Wordlessly you took her by the hand, your fingers tingling at her touch. His blood still on your hands, and now on hers. It made you feel sicker still. The thought of him touching her made you want to scream. You had to get her out of here. You led her back along the path. _

"_Are you ok?" You asked her. _

_She nodded._

_You reached her car and told her. "Get in."_

"_No." She answered defiantly. _

"_JJ get in your car and drive as fast as you can away from here."_

"_No." JJ was looking back over her shoulder, no doubt thinking about him._

"_There isn't anything you can do for him now." You tell her. _

"_But what...." She begins._

"_Just go, JJ. Now. Or.."_

"_Or what, Emily? You'll shoot me too?" Her accusation sliced right through you. But there was underlying compassion in her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere, and you can't make me." _

_It was the only war JJ ever won against you, and she didn't win it with her childish words. She leaned forward to kiss you. Her lips engulfing yours. Suddenly nothing mattered but JJ. It seemed you had no power to refuse her anything. _

_Finally you pull away, breathless, the taste of her still lingering on your tongue. "Ok" You conceded. "Get in your car and follow me."_

_She did as you asked, following behind you in her car as you led her back into the safety of the city, away from that dark dismal place. As soon as you were in a safe neighbourhood, you violently swung the wheel, suddenly turning down a back street. You knew it was cruel taking off like that, leaving her behind. But there was no other way._

_Only problem was that you weren't quite fast enough. She managed to keep up with you. And so you drove faster and faster. Wanting only to set her free. She didn't need to be mixed up in all of this craziness. _

_That's the last thing you remembered, looking back in your rear vision mirror, seeing JJ behind you. Determination and anger in her eyes. Stepping on that accelerator, foot to the floor, trying to get away from her, to set her free. Your eyes glued to the image of her in that mirror, you hadn't seen the sharp bend in the road up ahead. That next thing you remembered was crashing sound so loud it pierced your eardrums. A shooting, throbbing, unbearable pain in your head, and a sea of blood and broken shards of glass surrounding you. Then, everything went black. _


End file.
